Understanding 'Can't Behaviour' (School Refusal): Mindful Strategies for Parenting, Supporting Anxiety in Children

Navigating the complex emotions and behaviors of childhood can often bring unexpected challenges — one of the most poignant being school 'Can't Behaviour', previously termed school reluctance or school refusal. This condition underscores the deep need for establishing emotional safety alongside physical safety in nurturing our children. This blog explores mindful and empathetic strategies that can guide parents and educators in supporting children through the complexities of school can't behaviour

What Is School Can't Behaviour? 

School 'Can't Behaviour', previously known as school refusal, is a child’s persistent reluctance to attend school, stemming from deep-seated emotional distress rather than commonly being misinterpreted as 'disobedience'. This behavior is a significant indicator of the need for greater emotional support and understanding.

This image captures the emotional dynamics of school refusal and its impact on family well-being. Anxiety, depression, or trauma can contribute to school refusal in children and also elevate anxiety levels in parents, which reinforces the importance of supportive parenting and child psychology in managing these challenges.

Common Contributors:

• Emotional Distress: Often related to anxiety, fear of failure, or social challenges within the school environment.

• Psychological Challenges: Conditions like anxiety disorders, depression, or trauma can make school environments feel overwhelming or threatening.

• Neuro-diversity: The differences in the way Neurodiverse brains (such as Autism, ADHD or learning difficulties), percieve, sense and understand the world can make the school journey very challenging.

Signs to Watch For:

Identifying the early signs of 'Can't Behaviour' can lead to more effective support.

• Behavioral Cues: Avoidance tactics like procrastination, expressing dread about school, or manifesting physical symptoms that are absent during weekends.

• Emotional Signals: Signs of morning distress such as anxiety, tearfulness, or excessive worry about attending school.

Strategies for Helping a Child Overcome School Refusal:

1. Embracing Each Challenge as an Opportunity: Reframe challenges as opportunities to understand and connect with your child’s experiences. Engage in open conversations to explore their feelings and the specific fears they might be facing regarding school. An example might be a simple statement, which may lead to a more open conversation such as, "I've been noticing that it's been a bit difficult in getting ready for school lately, I know it can be really hard some days. Is there anything in particular going on for you here?

2. Cultivating Presence and Empathy: Stay present and attentive to your child’s needs. Approach their concerns with curiosity and empathy, ensuring they feel heard and understood. This kind of emotional support can significantly alleviate their anxiety.

3. Communicating with Patience and Understanding: Prioritise patient and understanding communication. Before approaching sensitive topics like school attendance, take moments to center yourself — ensuring that your responses are thoughtful and supportive rather than reactive. If you are feeling that you disagree with their response, consider saying something along the lines of, "I get that. (Their Response) would be really difficult and I'm so happy that we are able to talk about it. Do you mind if I talk about my worries with you not attending school?"

4. Fostering Connection and Repair: Acknowledge that misunderstandings and emotional upsets can happen. When they do, take the initiative to repair the connection. Show your child that making mistakes is part of life and that what truly matters is how we address and learn from these situations.

5. Increase Their 'Window of Tolerence' - Enhance the child's ability to handle school-related stress by collaborating with mental health professionals and teachers. Together, identify and encourage participation in comfortable subjects that may provide a safe school environment. Gradually expose your child to more challenging parts of the school day, using tailored strategies like mindfulness or cognitive-behavioral techniques to help them manage anxiety. Regularly assess and adjust the approach based on their progress and comfort levels, aiming to build resilience and improve their capacity to cope with school demands.

Navigating 'School Can't' requires patience, understanding, and a commitment to fostering an emotionally safe environment for our children. By adopting mindful strategies to parenting and recognising the contribution of factors such as anxiety to 'Can't Behaviour' (school refusal), we can help our children face educational challenges with resilience and confidence.

If you’re facing challenges with School Can't Behaviour, remember, you’re not alone! Reach out for professional support, and let’s work together to provide the understanding and care that can make a real difference in your child’s life.

Next week, we'll dive more specifically into the common challenges parents face when navigating school can't. Look out for the upcoming blog post, which will explore common struggles and provide practical strategies to help parents manage these challenges effectively. Whether you're juggling work commitments or dealing with emotional stress, we're here to offer support and solutions that we hope can make a difference, providing helpful guidance for supporting your child.

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For more resources on helping your child manage their anxiety, triggers and emotions, or to learn about our counselling services, visit our Counselling & Therapy page and our Assessments page.